The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls By Andrew Katz

Laughably bad. There is no way this wasn't published on Wattpad at one point. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls This is a VERY unique book about a fatherly bond between an old vampire and a young teenage girl. He runs a suicide hotline and drinks blood bank donations out of a mug; she stomps and spits but really just needs someone to put their (undead) foot down. I’ve never read anything like it! The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls What a fun read. A vampire wanting to help people who are suicidal, by offering them paltry advice and somewhat related anecdotal information from his life.

It was over too quickly. The author should write more, I liked his style and clever references to other books. Just don’t return to Gideon, unless there is a better story waiting for him. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls With a title protagonist that is far more man than monster, The Vampire Gideon’s Suicide Hotel and Halfway House for Orphan Girls strikes a wonderful balance of humor and heart. Good, clean prose and the thoughtful exploration of deep seeded, occasionally uncomfortable topics renders this out to be a worthy, unique read indeed. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls This wanted to be good but then it wasn't, really.

1. From the jacket blurb, The vampire Gideon prefers to drink nearly expired blood from the local morgue. . . . No he doesn't. He says so several times; it's bland and he prefers it from a human, but tolerates it from the morgue because he seems to think he *should* feel bad for wanting to eat people, but doesn't really. Also he finds it pretty ok to go on killing rampages as long as he views those people as bad; somehow he doesn't view himself as bad for behaving the same way as them. This is some next-level bait-and-switch vigilante bullshit, and it's never *addressed.* The cognitive dissonance never sets in. In fact, that's my main problem with this book: almost nothing is actually addressed.

2. I just wanted a way to live forever, so that I could see the other side of despair. But I am dead, and there is no cure for that.
-The flashback story makes it sound like Thomas Q. Rapist murdered and turned Gideon into a vampire against his will/without his consent, not that he chose to become one. Which is it? What happened?
-the other side of despair is one of those pseudointellectual garbage jargon phrases that don't actually mean anything.
-According to the same flashback story, there is a cure for being dead: drive a stake through your heart--it's how Gideon got rid of Thomas the vampire. Inconsistent.

3. Internal inconsistency everywhere: Gideon has tremendous strength and can shape-shift into a bat (that episode was cheesier than a wheel of Gouda), but also his body is literally decomposing and falling apart? So how does he have strength? *What* has strength? When his arm rots and falls off, how is he still strong? Do some world-building, Katz--what vampire lore are you applying here?

4. I don't like the pseudo-magical realism thing where this is set in the real modern world but then vampires exist, and tell people on the phone that they're vampires. It's just not handled very well. See # 3.

5. The whole thing where the sexually abused child views her sexuality as the only/most valuable thing about her, and the means to negotiate any kind of relationship with another person, especially male, is set up well, but then Gideon completely fails to follow up in his response to Margot's come-on; the setup for I view you as a daughter, not as a potential sexual partner; I know you haven't experienced great parenting thus far but it is in fact not normal to have sex with someone for whom you are guardian, and it's not normal to offer sex to anyone who houses you or is nice to you is there on a silver platter and then Katz just drops the ball, or something.

6. Same thing with Daniel; Gideon calls him a pedophile but Margot just rolls her eyes, Gideon doesn't ever follow up with But seriously, it's not normal for adults to have sex with children. That's not ok. This is one of the many reasons why I will not have sex with you, and I want to teach you not to seek out/to be wary of men who think it's ok to have sex with children. They are not good people.

7. Gideon's idea that Margot would be better off without him seems to be making the point that endless disruption, abandonment, and letdowns are A-ok and she'll rebound fine, rather than reinforcing the fact that nonsexual stable relationships are good and important and healthy and Gideon is there to help demonstrate that for her. Gideon constantly wallows in his own experience of letdowns and betrayal, but doesn't grasp that repeated abandonment fucks people up, and then turns around and does it to Margot.

8. Another thing that's totally unaddressed: Margot now has the deed to this house; what happens when she finds the coffin with Rachael's bones stashed in the basement? Presumably Gideon didn't carry it off with him. Also Margot is now back where she started: living alone in a house without the age or the means to actually run her own life. How is she gonna buy groceries or pay her phone bill? Where does that magical money come from?

9. Yet another thing unaddressed: [John] is my familiar. He believes that one day I will make him a vampire. ?????????????????????
Well, Gideon, will you? Why not? Why are you deceiving him, then? Who is he? Where did you find him? What is a familiar in this world? When you don't world-build, John is just a cop-out to try to patch holes, and it doesn't even work. Margot should have given the school a new address and had the school bus pick her up. Gideon could have done it if Margot didn't want to. Having a weird chauffeur is not less conspicuous than not having one; John causes more problems than he solves. What is he for? Also what happens to him when Gideon peaces out with no notice? Does Margot just have to deal with John?

This book feels like it came full circle and accomplished nothing. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls

The

Happiness is fleeting. In the end, everything is.

The titular vampire, Gideon, operates a one-man suicide hotline during the night. Feeling a pull towards one of the callers, he rescues her from her situation, taking her in a ward. Through his relationship with Margie and conversations with the people who utilize his suicide hotline, we learn about Gideon's life, his philosophies, and, perhaps, a bit about ourselves.

This book is hard to put down on paper. It's a quiet, calm story that chugs along. It's majorly told in conversations and relationships between people, rather than real time events. Katz's quick and hard hitting prose and dialogue is tightly coiled and tightly controlled without ever feeling overly constrained. It's even more impressive considering the breadth of characters he presents as reoccurring figures in the story: an ageless Jewish vampire, a 16-year-old girl, a young man with girl troubles, an older man trapped in the psychiatric system, the various phantoms from Gideon's past. Katz captures each one clearly without ever faltering.

Katz also has a skill for hitting a sensitive and difficult subject matter head-on. As the blunt title suggests, many of the characters grapple with suicidal thoughts, as well as various mental illnesses. Katz does not shy away. He allows his characters to speak bluntly about themselves as well as about Gideon's attempts to use them--or perhaps his tendency to siphon their pain as a different sort of vampire.

An engaging, thought-provoking read with a fair bit of humor and more than enough substance for you to really give a damn about the characters, even if we only ever know them as voices on the phone. Hopefully more vampire media goes in this thoughtful and intelligent direction with flawed characters and a true lens on what it could mean to live forever and the toxic ways we try to connect with one another. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls Up until the last chapter I would have given this book 4.5 stars. But unfortunately it was cheapened by some very crude sexual exploits of a minor falling for our dear Vampire Gideon.

This entire book was very crass, but in such a way that made it oddly charming.

Vampire Gideon took it upon himself to care for a teenage girl, after he killed her abusive guardian. The relationship they had read wonderfully as an angsty teen, and a man trying to learn the roles of parenthood. While it wasn’t a father/daughter relationship, you could say it was more uncle/niece. It was short tempered, quick witted, but overall filled with a lot of care.

Up until our author thought it was best for the teenage girl to confess her explicit sexual desire to Vampire Gideon. Unfortunately that was extremely detrimental to the overall story.

Since when does every vampire novel have to end with the woman (or in this case, child) falling for the vampire? The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is such a mellifluous title, isn't it? And when a friend-of-a-friend (sorry, I didn't track which one) on Goodreads linked to this slim novel, I was already intrigued. Then, a copy showed up on my local branch library's New Books shelf, so what was I to do? I picked it up, of course—and, reader, I was not disappointed.

In case you haven't figured it out from that title, though, be warned—The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls is full of triggers. Andrew Katz touches very lightly on numerous heavy subjects, and if the title doesn't at least give you a chuckle, the book itself probably won't either.

When you are as old as I am, everyone from the past is a boy or girl. No one has enough perspective to be considered a man or woman. These words imply a level of experience most human beings cannot hope to attain.
—p.7


For an undead bloodsucking fiend, Gideon really is a surprisingly tender-hearted, erm, soul. He really does maintain a hotline, staying awake over long nights in his basement lair while taking calls from a small group of more-or-less suicidal regulars. He rarely hunts for victims, instead drinking bagged blood he gets from a local morgue. And, he really does take in an orphaned girl (well, after orphaning her, albeit for reasons that seemed pretty compelling at the time).

I say that sometimes it is nice to be reminded that old things still work. Especially at my age.
—p.119


Gideon doesn't sparkle, true—he considers himself more like Vlad Dracul than Edward Cullen—although, behind the glamour that hides his true appearance, Gideon's more like Nosferatu than either.

Gideon is, however, not always quite as wise as he thinks he is—and it takes the wisdom of that orphaned girl to shake him out of his deathly routine.


If I hadn't already been convinced to read this book, this author's biography probably would have done the trick:
Andrew Katz, when not reading and writing fiction, enjoys puppers and doggos, black coffee, hiking, and writing bios that read like poorly made dating profiles. He is also the proud owner of several paintings that he painted himself but now hides from the world because they're bad. He lives and works in Philadelphia.
—on the back cover of The Vampire Gideon's Suicide Hotline & Halfway House for Orphaned Girls, and elsewhere


That seems like a good enough note to end on. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls 4.5 Stars Rounded Up

Trigger warnings: suicide, self-harm, rape, mental illness, abuse

tl;dr: A novel that is bizarre across style, structure and story. If you're up for trying something a bit different, then you're in for a unique, enjoyable read.

Synopsis: Gideon is a vampire who runs a suicide hotline out of the subbasement of the house he lives in. His number isn't easily found, so his calls come from the most desperate people. Some only call once or twice, while others are return callers. One caller strikes a nerve with him in particular and he ends up taking her under his wing. The story of the novella is told mainly through Gideon's conversations with his callers and his ward, as well as through story's of his younger days before he became a vampire.

Thoughts: This was a nice refreshing read because it was so unlike anything else I've read. Gideon is an interesting and (unsurprisingly) peculiar character. I think Katz did an excellent job in writing Gideon's thoughts and dialog in a way that portrays him effectively as someone who is a 100+ year old vampire. He also did a great job keeping this light while doing justice to the heavy subject matters dealt with by the book.

The conversations with his callers are well-written and there's a good variety of characters. The two most common callers, Jacob and Rich are great character in their own right and Gideon's ward, Margie, is also a great character. Again I think Katz did an excellent job writing these characters and they all feel very believable.

The structure of the novel, weaving between present day conversations and stories of Gideon's early life is odd and at times feels slightly disjointed, but overall I think it works well to tell the story. The parts of the novel that aren't conversations or stories are also compelling.

The reason I dropped half a star is that while I found the ending to be fitting and satisfying, I felt that it was a bit rushed. There's relatively little tension or buildup to the ending for most of the novel and then it all happens in the space of around 10-15 pages.

All in all, this was a very enjoyable, very weird read. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone interested in something a bit different! The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls Katz writes with a skill not many possess. Engaging, riveting, delightful in its dark comedy and fearlessness, this book takes readers through the life of Gideon in an intriguing way - we learn about his past as he tells it to the callers on his suicide hotline - and we also learn about it as he fixates on helping Margot navigate her teenage years. This book touches the soul and won't soon let go after reading. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls

In the house on the hill, there lives a vampire. But not of the sexy, mysterious, or sparkling kind. The vampire Gideon prefers to drink nearly expired blood from the local morgue while watching over the humans around him—humans he calls “children,” because when you’re as old as he is, everyone else does seem like a child. And so many of these children are prepared to throw their lives away over problems that, in Gideon’s view, appear rather trivial.

He sets about trying to fix them by means of an unofficial, do-it-yourself suicide hotline. He's sure that he's making a difference, maybe even righting the mistakes of his past. Then one day a troubled young girl calls, and his (undead) life gets turned upside down. Before he knows it, he’s got a surly, tech-addicted teenage roommate—and, at long last, he begins to grow up. The Vampire Gideons Suicide Hotline and Halfway House for Orphaned Girls

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