Something Went Wrong / Quelque chose sest mal passé By www.texasbeerguide.com
A very good book for when you know things aren't working as you read in other books it should.
I am hoping for a follow up on how these same cultures deal with screen problems 352 pages I've never left a book review before but I felt compelled to leave one for this. It's a brilliantly researched, well put together, interesting book that goes beyond most parenting manuals.
I love how she weaves the story of her own journey through mothering into the book and gives practical, well thought out examples of how to use her research in the real world. I'll be recommending it to all my parent friends and all I can do is hope her techniques work on my spirited one year old! 352 pages This is definitely a parenting book and it reads like one, but it departs enough from that style, because it's examining cultures that teach through stories and modeling behaviour it does both and so is quite a bit profound than books that tend to be lists of dos and don'ts. In fact the overall point is to throw out the telling kids what to not do.
As a reader i identified with the authors struggle with anger and control. I too understood when she referenced the acronym WEIRD to define how the West raises their children and essentially we remain emotionally dysfunctional even as adults
It reinforces just how much wisdom and knowledge and depth Indigenous culture has and how much as a colonising state Canada tried to destroy what in this book is clearly something profoundly needed by the West and has taken forever for the dominant culture to begin to understand what a gem inuit culture is, and in general nomadic and hunter / gatherer cultures.. Indeed one begins to start to feel that being civilized is about living in tight communities of hunter gatherers and that it's been downhill ever since agriculture arrived on the scene.
I'm being extreme, there are many things that are nifty about western culture, but the loneliness and the sense that the nuclear family is an impossible state of isolation that really serves except capitalism (this is my own interpretation, not the authors, but the author's message is indeed about the isolation of nuclear family parenting)
It's funny that as someone who doesn't want to raise kids at all, i find that it's because i feel like i have not been raised ultimately to be emotionally mature enough to do it right, and in many ways the book confirms that this is a growing problem in the west, mostly because of our need to control. and by letting go and having trust in the development of children as being far self guided, and at the same time it makes us reflect on the little useless kings and queens we raise versus the helpful tight communities that arise while simultaneously providing freedom, but also freedom on how to help a community and belong.
Id love to see this concept grow into something that can help adults who like me feel like western culture has left them lonely and emotionally broken.
I actually think it is essential reading 352 pages
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER The oldest cultures in the world have mastered the art of raising happy, well adjusted children. What can we learn from them? Hunt, Gather, Parent is full of smart ideas that I immediately wanted to force on my own kids. Pamela Druckerman, The New York Times Book Review When Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff becomes a mother, she examines the studies behind modern parenting guidance and finds the evidence frustratingly limited and often ineffective. Curious to learn about effective parenting approaches, she visits a Maya village in the Yucatn Peninsula. There she encounters moms and dads who parent in a totally different way than we doand raise extraordinarily kind, generous, and helpful children without yelling, nagging, or issuing timeouts. What else, Doucleff wonders, are Western parents missing out on? In Hunt, Gather, Parent, Doucleff sets out with her three year old daughter in tow to learn and practice parenting strategies from families in three of the worlds most venerable communities: Maya families in Mexico, Inuit families above the Arctic Circle, and Hadzabe families in Tanzania. She sees that these cultures dont have the same problems with children that Western parents do. Most strikingly, parents build a relationship with young children that is vastly different from the one many Western parents developits built on cooperation instead of control, trust instead of fear, and personalized needs instead of standardized development milestones. Maya parents are masters at raising cooperative children. Without resorting to bribes, threats, or chore charts, Maya parents rear loyal helpers by including kids in household tasks from the time they can walk. Inuit parents have developed a remarkably effective approach for teaching children emotional intelligence. When kids cry, hit, or act out, Inuit parents respond with a calm, gentle demeanor that teaches children how to settle themselves down and think before acting. Hadzabe parents are experts on raising confident, self driven kids with a simple tool that protects children from stress and anxiety, so common now among American kids. Not only does Doucleff live with families and observe their methods firsthand, she also applies them with her own daughter, with striking results. She learns to discipline without yelling. She talks to psychologists, neuroscientists, anthropologists, and sociologists and explains how these strategies can impact childrens mental health and development. Filled with practical takeaways that parents can implement immediately, Hunt, Gather, Parent helps us rethink the ways we relate to our children, and reveals a universal parenting paradigm adapted for American families. Something Went Wrong / Quelque chose sest mal passé
Everything I have heard the author say on NPR about the Iñuit rings true to my own experiences. More than 40 years ago, I met 16 young Iñuit children, was amazed by their calm maturity, and moved to their village in Arctic Alaska (with the village council's permission). Our children lived among the Iñuit from birth until they left for college. I coached our sons' mostly Iñuit youth softball teams for a decade. We lost often than not, but not ONCE did a parent complain to me about our team's performance or my coaching. I can think of no better place in the world to raise a child. I've pre ordered the book. When I've had a chance to read it, I'll update my review.
I have read the book, and I like it.
This is the story of smart, sensitive, frustrated 3 year old girl (Rosy) who tries to reform her smart, hard charging, professional, angry, and clueless mother into an adult who will listen, understand, free her daughter from near constant oppression, and let go of the tensions driving them apart. The mother (author Michealeen Doucleef) is a slow learner burdened by her own childhood experiences, but also self aware and resourceful. Their emotional and geographic journey follows a happy and instructive path. Way to go Rosy!
Doucleef – a self confessed terrible parent – had the brilliant idea of turning her obvious parenting failures into a book project, both to satisfy her deep curiosity about Indigenous parenting and to finance her own reformation. Through determination and with lots of help, she gradually works her way back to solid parenting ground, learning lessons that should benefit anyone willing to journey with her. Doucleef has a self deprecating nature that Iñuit admire, but at times her self deprecation seems to me like a literary device than true humility. I can live with that.
Doucleef’s unexpected encounter with Chubby Mata (p. 216 217 in the first edition) moved me to tears. If you don’t know about Jean Briggs and Chubby Mata, then the encounter won’t have the same effect on you, but that’s OK. I am not surprised that Mata’s family loved Jean Briggs. For me, Doucleef's encounter not only increased my already considerable respect for Jean Briggs, but it muted criticism Doucleef is getting for misrepresenting Indigenous people. For decades, I have recommended Jean Briggs’ books and papers to newcomers to rural Alaska. I plan to recommend Doucleef’s book, too, especially to clueless elementary school teachers from the Lower 48 facing their first Iñuit classroom. Some get it, some don’t. I hope an adult Rosy, like Chubby Mata here, is able to report back to us on what it was like living with the childish version of Michaeleen.
There have been a few negative reviews, here and elsewhere. To get a sense of the problem, one reviewer recommended Rebecca Onion’s review of Hunt, Gather, Parent in Slate, so I read it. I also read Shannon Withycombe’s Twitter blasts. Here is my take.
Doucleef does not ignore the science nor the modernization of Indigenous societies. Readable scientific diversions are embedded throughout the book (for an example, see p. 236 239 in the first edition) and referenced in 15 pages of endnotes. It is not that Doucleef ignored the science, it’s just that she didn’t adopt the perspectives that Onion and Withycombe prefer. This happens all the time in science, and it’s healthy. Criticism is what academics do at conferences and in journals. They battle over ideas, over perspectives, and over who should get credit. A PhD chemist (Doucleef) who dares tread on cultural anthropology or early childhood education is going to get hammered, especially if they write a popular book. Very few psychologists, anthropologists, or journalists live among Indigenous people for very long, not even superb anthropologists like Jean Briggs. Academics and journalists live in cities because that’s where the money is. Like Doucleef, they do intermittent field work. Like Doucleef, many are fascinated with Indigenous people. Academics butter their bread with theories and papers that they hope will win grants, lure graduate students, and get them tenure. Academics advance their careers through production and publication just as journalists do. Doucleef is not writing for academics. She is writing for parents who are at their wits end. Consider the academic bickering if you will, but don’t ignore Doucleef because of it. For those who wonder about my credentials, I am an interdisciplinary PhD trained by anthropologists, biologists, ecologists, and economists. My undergraduate degree was a Bachelor of Journalism. I also lived and worked in small Alaskan Iñuit communities for 30 years. As I said in my initial note, we raised our children among the Iñuit.
Had Doucleef shared authorship and editorial control with some of her key respondents (not a bad idea!), this book might have been even better, and would have been an example of the “co production of knowledge.” Her current critics probably would have been silent. 352 pages I like the parenting advice in this book so much that I will buy copies for friends, but I will have to include a note in the front of the book explaining the dangerous perspective that this book perpetuates. I do believe the author put her heart into this work and had the utmost respect for the Women Of Color whose parenting ideas she is espousing. I do believe she respected and even loved these women/families. The perspective in the book is none the less dangerous as it exemplifies other communities while making them look like they have no need of the resources that white rich communities enjoy. The idea of native women having no pain in childbirth was put forth and it has had such consequences as being used by white communities to deny pain medication and other medical help to the BIPOC communities. There is a certain de humanizing in the otherness perspective that has been wielded as a weapon for centuries against BIPOC communities and I regret to say that this book does perpetuate that perspective.
Please Michaleen, write an introduction that acknowledges the consequences of this perspective, expose the needs of these communities, and please de emphasize the idea that only rich white women need help. :( For a eloquent treatment of this go read the slate review of the book. 352 pages Ooo, this book was soooo good that I have too much to say and not enough time to write it all! I’m excited to be the first reviewer to have already put these parenting strategies into action and say—yes, this works! My six year old is cooking and cleaning, and she is peaceful and even sleeping better than she has been in years. Even the baby is happy because we are including him in everything we do as a family.
I was able to do get these results so quickly because I was already many months into implementing a complementary educational philosophy (Montessori) at home. Hunt Gather Parent gave me some of the context I was missing to make phenomenal changes in my household in literally just a few days. This is an important book for parents, grandparents, nannies and other caregivers. This knowledge is desperately needed in the US today!
So as the book jacket explains, this is the story of an American mom, Michaeleen Doucleff, who brings her three year old daughter Rosy along with her as she lives and learns about parenting with families from three indigenous populations—the Maya in Yucatan, the Inuit in the Arctic circle and the Hadzabe in Tanzania. The book is rich with first person anecdotes from each of these settings, populated by realistic portraits of the people she encountered. I loved learning about each group, and I wanted to read , , about the families she met and the experiences she had.
The book also weaves in a ton of scientific research and many of the author’s original interviews with anthropologists (I admit I gave the book a lot credit once I looked at the notes and realized a lot of the interviews were her own original work). There is some interesting historical parenting perspective in the first two chapters that upends much of our current thinking about raising children.
As well, the author was generous in her willingness to share the darker, cringe worthier parts of her own parenting journey. I think just about any parent reading this book will recognize parts of their own parent child relationships in this! But never fear, there is help on the way, as Michaeleen shares many macro and micro tips and tools for finding a completely new way of relating to our children. A very high level recap of some of her main points:
Include children in every aspect of adult life, including housework, cooking and other day to day work, and the children will be happier, calmer and naturally helpful.
React with peace and gentleness to children. Respond to misbehavior by ignoring, redirecting, modeling, encouraging, and other kind educational methods.
Give children autonomy in a safe way that builds both their confidence and their feeling of responsibility to their family and community.
I really appreciated that Michaeleen was able to identify some “universal parenting strategies” because I agree with her that finding commonalities among cultures is the way to find what truly works. I think all parents everywhere want the same things, right? For their children to be healthy and fulfilled, and for the relationship among family members to be supportive and rewarding.
And yet many of us in the U.S. (and probably Canada, Australia and U.K. as well), have completely lost our parenting compass. We don’t even necessarily know what values we want to transmit to our children, let alone how to transmit them and nurture the behaviors that support them. Do we want to encourage independence or interdependence? Peer social skills or family ties? Shouldering responsibility or following your bliss? As parents, do we want to be our kids’ friends or their leaders?
The indigenous families interviewed by Michaeleen seem to have settled on the perfect middle ground among all these ideas. Their children are confident, sociable and emotionally mature. They definitely come across as happy and content. The parents seem to genuinely enjoy the company of their children, yet the parents have their own lives and aren’t at all slaves to their children’s whims.
Now, as for my own parenting journey…I have been on this path for a few years to try to remake our family life and my relationship to our older child. I have read and implemented some of the best of other cross cultural parenting books that have come out in the past handful of years, including about the French, Danes, and Japanese. Those books were wonderful and do not fundamentally contradict what Hunt, Gather, Parent describes. It’s just that those books failed to mention some of the underlying concepts which are also practiced in France, Japan and Scandanavia—things like family togetherness.
As well, I have been reading books by Maria Monthessori and her disciples and implementing them in our home for about 6 months. Montessori provides a detailed and comprehensive method than Hunt Gether Parent for introducing children of all ages to the work of daily life, as well as to the important concept of modifying the manmade environment (ie. The home) to ease children’s anxiety and increase their feelings of success.
Importantly, Maria Montessori describes child development in her books and explains how the evolutionary purpose of childhood is basically to follow around adults and older children so the developing child can learn how to act, move and speak like others of their group, thus adapting to their culture, environment and time. This is how an Inuit child grows up to know how to live off the harsh lands of the Arctic, and how an American child grows up to know how to drive a car, shop at the supermarket and earn an income through gainful employment. Montessori describes how children have a developmental need to contribute to their communities and families, and how they will become demanding, possessive, clingy or otherwise maladapted if this developmental need is thwarted.
Montessori has been incredible for our family and has completely changed our family life! Using the Montessori method of breaking jobs into subtasks and teaching by modeling rather than correcting, our 6 year old had already assumed a range of responsibilities from helping to prepare meals and clean up afterward, doing her own laundry, washing her hair, and many others. She was SO MUCH happier and confident after we taught her these jobs, we couldn’t believe it. And as Michaeleen notes in Hunt Gather Parent, we were continually surprised by her physical abilities, such as carrying a laundry basket full of laundry up a flight of stairs all by herself!
However, our child was still clingy and demanding. She had difficulty concentrating and talked compulsively All. Day. Long. Enter the answer to my fervent asking…Michaeleen Doucleff’s Hunt, Gather, Parent. One of the wonderful ideas from this book we implemented immediately was the Family Membership Card—which essentially says children need to eat, work, play and do everything else ALONGSIDE the other members of their family. Whereas before our daughter had her own jobs to complete, now I suggested we do all jobs together. And she loves it! Using this tool and some of the others from the book, after just a few days she is already calmer and focused. I enjoy her company than I have since she turned two! And our baby is getting attention because there isn't so much idle chatter in the house. The transformation for our entire family has been wonderful, and I assume this is only the beginning for us!
To those parents who, like me, are looking for a better way to relate to their children and manage their family lives, I think you will find many ideas in this book. But change takes time if you are just starting this journey. Be patient with your children and spouse, and especially with yourself. Little by little, things will fall into place.
To the author…thank you for writing this book! I can tell it was an act of love, and you deserve many rewards in return. I wish all parents and children everywhere love, peace and blessings. 352 pages This is an enjoyable read, and it introduces some interesting ideas such as involving children in household chores, and making them feel they are part of the family team.
Nevertheless, the author fails to mention relevant research to back her theories, building her arguments around her own experience and a sample of one single child, her own.
Aside from that, the key problem in this book is: where are the men? The book mostly involves mothers in the education of the children, and ends up having a very sexist view on child rearing. For instance in the Mayan village, why are the chores an exclusively female responsibility? Where are the men in that village and why aren't they involved in caring for their children?
I understand the author's optimism as she feels she has discovered a better perspective on child education, but no approach to education can be complete or valid if it only involves only one gender and places all of the burden on women. 352 pages I'm only halfway through, but this is definitely one the best parenting books I've read. It's we'll reseached, clearly written, and full of illuminating examples. The advice is concrete, non obvious, and usefully connected both to her own experience and to modern psychology and anthropology research.
Highly recommend! 352 pages
